Although I love you all very much and greatly appreciate all that you do to encourage and support me, I am also unfathomably afraid of every single one of you
this might seem like a cute jokey “haha i have anxiety” post but i’ve truly never been more serious about anything in my entire life. And I can’t even think of how to properly explain why
Each and every one of you has the ability to singlehandedly destroy my entire career and take away my entire income overnight. And after all that i’ve been through and worked for to make my goals happen for myself, that’s scarier to me than absolutely anything.
It’s gotten to a point where i’m afraid to publicly express even the most benign approval of any artist or individual for fear that they may have done something problematic that I never knew about, and that a post will be made about how i support someone who is evil, and my income will suffer because of it.
I am afraid even to allow myself to form any sort of emotional connection to any artist’s work.
I’m afraid to form any sort of close friendships with other artists and even most of my own fans for fear that someday they’ll do something bad and then i’ll get called out by association for being friends with them, and my income will suffer because of it.
An unreasonable amount of pressure is laid upon queer people (particularly those with an audience) by other queer people to be in-the-know about who’s dangerous and who isn’t, and so, I am on eggshells 200% of the time, for fear that everything i’ve worked so hard for over the past 3 years will disappear overnight.
I’ve watched several friends’ careers fizzle and die over rumors, misinterpretations, quotations taken out of context, troll callouts,
Someone even put me on a TERF list last year (yup. for real. ME. 4lung. a trans lesbian. on a TERF list.) and a few people actually believed it.
I thought it was hilarious at the time, but now that my income is bound so closely to my web presence, this kind of thing would have had me devastated had it happened more recently.
I understand that everyone is just trying to keep everyone else safe. And I think that is very admirable and encouragable. But i’ll be damned if i’m not terrified of anyone who would take advantage of that fact for their own gain or amusement.
None of you are in the wrong. You are all just trying to do the right thing. Thank you for protecting me and for protecting one another. But i’ll be damned if every single day of my life I don’t drive myself into paranoia over the fact that each and every person on this platform possesses that power over one another.
I thought this was a comical shitpost and then it turned into Big Mood