Category: Americans

WHAT DID WE AMERICANS GET STUCK IN OUR RECTUMS LAST…

WHAT DID WE AMERICANS GET STUCK IN OUR RECTUMS LAST YEAR?

Deadspin’s Christmas Day tradition returns. It is time to sound the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Below are the strangest, most awkwardly shaped, and least pleasant objects that America has shoved into its various holes. God bless us, everyone.

My Winner: “ICE PICK IN RECTUM TO PUSH HEMORRHOIDS BACK IN”

My 9 favorite objects & excuses (Source lists more) per orifice, working south:

EAR

  1. DEFLATED BALLOON
  2. BEETLE
  3. “PLACED TOILET PAPER IN EAR SO WOULDNT HAVE TO HEAR NEIGHBORS”
  4. CHESS PIECE
  5. GASOLINE
  6. “CRAYON STUCK IN EAR FOR 2 WEEKS”
  7. FAKE DIAMOND
  8. PAPER & AN ERASER
  9. DOG’S PAW

NOSE

  1. PEBBLE FROM THE FISH TANK
  2. “STUCK A RAISIN UP HIS RIGHT NOSTRIL, BROTHER TRIED TO REMOVE WITH TWEEZERS BUT PATIENT MOVED”
  3. STOVE PELLET
  4. “WAS LAYING ON HIS BACK AT SCHOOL WHEN AN ERASER FELL INTO HIS NOSTRIL”
  5. PLASTIC SNAKE
  6. MAGNETS UP EACH NOSTRIL
  7. PLASTIC HEARTS IN EACH NOSTRIL
  8. MINI HOCKEY STICKS
  9. EGG DYE TABLET

THROAT

  1. RULER
  2. BRANCH
  3. “ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A PILL BOTTLE WHEN TAKING HIS MEDICATION”
  4. “WAS OPENING A BOTTLE OF SODA W/ HIS TEETH & BOTTLE CAP FLEW DOWN HIS THROAT”
  5. “PLAYING WITH A BLOW DART GUN, BLEW THE PIN OUT, IT HIT THE WALLFLEW BACK INTO PATIENTS THROAT AND HE SWALLOWED IT”
  6. “INHALED A WASP WHILE JOGGING NOW THROAT SWELLING”
  7. PAINT-STIRRING STICK & PAINT
  8. “HELD DOWN IN ART CLASS, CLASSMATE SHOVED SEQUINS DOWN THROAT”
  9. GLOW STICKS

PENIS

  1. “CARVED DOWN PIECE OF DOMINO INCISED PENIS INSERTED DOMINO PIECE INTO PENIS NOW WANTS IT REMOVED”
  2. SANDAL BUCKLE
  3. BB
  4. DOLL SHOE
  5. “HAD PEBBLE STUCK IN PENIS WHILE SWIMMING IN A LAKE 3 WEEKS AGO”
  6. PEN CAP
  7. PEN
  8. 3 INCH STRAIGHT PIN
  9. “MARBLE IN PENIS, CUT PENIS TRYING TO GET IT OUT”

VAGINA

  1. 6 SCREWS
  2. USB ADAPTER
  3. “SAT ON THE TOP OF A DOLL HOUSE AND THERE WAS A SPIKED ROOF”
  4. “WENT SWIMMING, WENT TO REMOVE TAMPON CANT LOCATE IT”
  5. “BOYFRIEND STUCK BOTTLE IN VAGINA. THE CAP CAME OFF AND GOT STUCK”
  6. SHARPENED PENCIL
  7. “PUT A BOUNCY BALL IN HER VAGINA, IT’S STUCK, WAS MASTURBATING”
  8. SMALL PAINTING KIT
  9. CIGARETTES AND LIGHTER

RECTUM (I couldn’t limit to 9 LOL)

  1. “USING A VIBRATOR LAST NIGHT, THOUGHT WAS INSERTING IN VAGINA, INTERRUPTED BY MOM & SAT UP QUICKLY, INSERTED IN RECTUM, CAN’T REMOVE”
  2. WINE CORK WRAPPED IN PAPER TOWELS, ELECTRICAL TAPE & A CONDOM
  3. FLASHLIGHT
  4. “PER WIFE PATIENT SAT DOWN ON A SCREWDRIVER AND IT WENT UP HIS RECTUM”
  5. 2 DILDOS
  6. “PUT A PENCIL UP RECTUM TO MAKE BOWEL MOVEMENT TO GET GAUZE PATIENT SWALLOWED TO COME OUT”
  7. POSSIBLE SHOT GLASS
  8. “RECTAL FISSURE MASTURBATING FOR HER BOYFRIEND USING A HAIRBRUSH IN HER RECTUM YESTERDAY”
  9. NAIL CUTICLE TOOL
  10. EGG TIMER
  11. CURTAIN ROD
  12. “ICE PICK IN RECTUM TO PUSH HEMORRHOIDS BACK IN”
  13. HANDLE OF A TOILET BOWL BRUSH
  14. HAMMER
  15. NUT AND BOLT
  16. “SMILEY HAND TOY FROM VENDING MACHINE, MOM NOTED A RUBBER HAND PROTRUDING FROM RECTUM”
  17. DECORATIVE PUMPKIN
  18. BOWLING PIN
  19. “SHOESHINE CONTAINER ALLEGEDLY INTOXICATED DID NOT KNOW GF INSERTED OBJECT”
  20. TUB DRAIN CAP
  21. WIFE’S SIX INCH VIBRATOR
  22. BROOM HANDLE
  23. BASEBALL
  24. SALT SHAKER